Helping a Loved One With an Eating Disorder
Helping a loved one who is suffering from an eating disorder is a difficult task. This is particularly difficult if the person suffering from the disorder has not yet admitted that she has a problem with her eating habits. Often friends and family members will worry about the weight loss or eating habits of a loved one, but are afraid to mention their concerns for fear of offending or upsetting the person. In addition to this, most individuals who suffer from eating disorders do so secretively. Although you may notice that your loved one is losing weight, when you observe them at meals they seem to eat and interact normally. What you don't see is what is hidden under the surface. Those with Anorexia learn how to be unavailable at mealtime. They have convenient excuses to avoid situations where food may be present. They will cook the meals and then claim to have eaten in the kitchen or may put on a pretense of being the 'good hostess' and be too busy to sit down to eat.
Bulimics will actually sit down and eat a meal with everyone else, often excusing themselves at the end of the meal to purge the offending calories. People with Binge Eating Disorder will generally eat normal amounts of food whenever others are around, but may find themselves hiding to eat enormous amounts of food when they can slip away. In order to help your loved one heal, you first have to help them recognize their illness. If you are a parent and the individual who has the eating disorder is a child under the age of 18, then you can legally require them to get help. This sounds much easier than it is. Often the child will beg and plead to avoid treatment. They will promise that the behavior will change. As a parent you need to be very in tune to your child's attitudes and actions. It is imperative to keep in mind that eating disorders can be deadly and, although your child might threaten to 'hate you forever', that forever may not be very long if their disorder is left untreated. If your loved one is a friend, child over the age of 18, or other relative, then your choices may be more limited. Understanding that eating disorders are rarely about the food will help. Trying to be empathetic and seek out the underlying causes may be a first step toward convincing your loved one to obtain treatment. You will have to understand that you cannot force your loved one to recover. They have to make the decision on their own that they want to be well.
Although you can encouraged them to seek help, you will only alienate them by trying to force their compliance. Using guilt or attempting to coerce them is also counter-productive. Comments on their weight loss may backfire. In some cases, you may make a comment on the amount of weight they are losing, intending to cause concern and help them obtain a desire to change. Instead, your comment will only convince them that their strategy for weight loss is working and that they want to be even thinner. Threatening a bulimic to stay away from the bathroom after meals will only increase their fear of losing control over their life, strengthening their desire to purge. Making derisive comments about their weight loss, commenting that they look sick or disgusting will only hammer on an already low self-esteem. Guilt, too, is an ineffective tool. Trying to point out the pain that the person is causing to her family, friends, children, etc. will only increase her sense of self-loathing. As the eating disorder is a dysfunctional method of dealing with these negative emotions, adding to them is not going to be helpful. Remember, the disordered eating habits are not about food, but about emotional, social, cultural, and psychological issues. The food is just an outward symbol of inner turmoil.
So what can you do to help a loved one. Empathy and understanding are a start. You may not understand why the person is refusing food, over-eating, or purging. What you need to realize, however, is that they are not choosing this behavior intentionally. They would much rather be healthy and have normal behaviors. It would be much simpler if they could just eat a meal and enjoy it like everyone else. Unfortunately, it is not that simple. The eating disorder is a coping mechanism. It is a way for the individual to deal with emotions and situations. It isn't a gimmick for attention and, in fact, attention is what they tend to avoid. The last thing they are looking for is someone to point out to them what else is 'wrong' with them. The best thing you can do is to encouraged your loved one to be responsible for their behavior, both negative and positive. Don't make them feel that they are being watched every time they are around food. Listen to them when they are sharing their feelings, discouragements, frustrations or successes. Don't allow their eating behaviors to emotionally influence your mood or your actions.
Finally, remember that the eating disorder is an illness. The person that you love is not defined by the eating disorder. Encouragement, love, and support are the best healing gifts you can give to your loved one.
Sources: something-fishy.org, www.health.yahoo.com, livingonempty.org
